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Compassionate Conservative
Garlic's "What Do You Think?" Interviews.

Bush Isn't Dyslexic, He's Possessed

OK, so I've been puzzled all day. Why wouldn't Bush jump at the chance to blame all his linguistic atrocities on dyslexia? I mean, if he's a bona fide dyslexic, as opposed to a lazy, arrogant, anti-intellectual cretin who obviously doesn't spend much time reading or listening carefully to articulate spoken English (an alternative diagnosis), then we all have to leave him alone, right? I mean, a neurological disorder is a neurological disorder. If Bush claimed to be dyslexic, all us bleedin' heart liberals would have to shut up and cut him a great deal of slack.

Of course, it's possible that the Bush campaign has decided on the "hell no, we're not dyslexic" position because they simply do not wish to admit that Bush makes verbal blunders and has, unscripted, the vocabulary of a twelve-year-old. Once again, though, one has to ask why the Bushies would rather deny the obvious than latch onto such a useful explanation. Surely there are no soccer moms in the Northern Hemisphere who are unsympathetic to any and all permutations of the rather nebulous term "learning disability." I mean, somebody buys all that Ritalin and all those "Hooked on Phonics" books. Dyslexia looks like a major winner with the swing voters to me.

Ah, but therein, I think, lies the problem. What the soccer moms propose, the Theocrats oppose, big time. Bush can't admit to being dyslexic because it is, I discover, one of the symptoms of . . . demonic possession.

Yep. Having just spent some time with one J. F. Cogan's "Demon Possession Handbook for Human Service Workers," I can state with authority that George W. Bush is possessed by demons. This would obviously create a rather significant problem if the Texas Republican Church and the rest of the Christian Right found out about it, so I can see why Bush would want to deny the problem. But the truth--rather like the demons--will out eventually.

According to Mr. Cogan, there are four major symptoms of demonic possession: "The four basic symptoms are: (1) violence, (2) lust, (3) greed, and (4) an unnatural power of persuasion. A born-again (and Spirit-filled) Christian can discern the presence of demons in a human by using a technique which has been used by physicians for centuries: a study of the presence of symptoms. Although the demon (or demons) may never manifest itself openly by causing the victim to speak in a coarse, guttural voice or to act out in an antisocial manner, a study of the past behavior of such a person will reveal the presence of violence, lust, greed, and/or an unnatural power of persuasion."

Let's see. Bush has signed more death warrants than any other governor of the United States, and was of course famous for blowing up frogs as a child. We've all heard the stories of Bush offering to duke it out with Poppy, and we certainly know he can use highly aggressive language. I think we've clearly got the violence part.

Lust? Well, none of us cares to speculate on what goes on between George and Laura, but let us note that Bush himself has admitted to being a little more interested in "pussy"--at least in the first forty years of his childhood--than is surely consistent with Christian rectitude. And what's the first thing he does when he meets Oprah Winfrey? The signs of lustfulness seem clear, too.

Greed? A man who would sue over a minor fender-bender in defiance of his famous "tort reform" views? A man who would stick the taxpayers of Arlington with the bill for his baseball stadium, in order to net huge profits on a relatively modest investment? A man who would bail out of his company stock holdings at the first sign of trouble, rather than loyally sticking around and protecting the small shareholders? Greed? There can be no argument.

There can also be no argument over Bush's "unnatural power of persuasion." The polls indicate that there are people being persuaded by what the man says. This is unnatural. Lest anyone is still unsure, let us return to Mr. Cogan: "The modern cult leader is a classic example of a person with a demon enhanced power of persuasion. This is persuasive power which goes beyond a charismatic personality coupled with effective communication skills. This is the kind of persuasion which can convince large groups of people to band together with no visible and logical reasons for doing so."

The Republican Convention immediately leaps to mind, doesn't it? Only Bush's demonic powers could convince Colin Powell that he should "band together" with these lame honkies. But, you might say, these four symptoms are in evidence in most politicians. Yes, that's true. It is the presence of an obvious learning disability that is the clincher:

"Children may have learning or behavior problems which are not directly linked to violence, lust, greed, or an unnatural power of persuasion. However, the Bible clearly documents a case of a young boy who had all the symptoms of what we call epilepsy today. . . . We now know how to treat epilepsy with anticonvulsants but who knows how many other cases of childhood behavior problems have a demon as the root cause? Parents of children who have certain behavior problems and learning difficulties should consult a Christian psychologist who understands demon possession."

Mr. Cogan does, of course, acknowledge that "[i]t would be dangerous to assume that every person with a disability is demon possessed. However, we may never know how many such cases do involve demons. Parents and human service professionals should be especially suspicious of problems for which there is no discernible physiological or neurological cause." Since no two experts will agree on what causes dyslexia, or even what its symptoms really are, and since we know that educational and neurophysiological researchers are mostly just a bunch of liberal communistic evolutionist gun-control swine, I think it's pretty clear that we should look beyond godless science for the cause of Bush's speech problems.

You may find this theory a little far-fetched, but as Mr. Cogan assures us, we are easy to fool: "The unnatural power of persuasion coupled with the intermittent nature of the possession enables the primary victim to lie with a straight face. This makes it extremely difficult for anyone to believe that what appears to be a fine, upstanding citizen such as a teacher, minister, lawyer, doctor, boy scout leader, nationally-known televangelist, or major politician could ever be guilty as accused. This ability to lie with total conviction makes identification of such demon-possessed persons extremely difficult by such groups as school boards, church boards, bar associations, medical societies, legislative bodies, and juries."

There you have it. Bush is not "in denial" about dyslexia. He is channeling Beelzebub. And as I'm sure you also know, this means that he must be lying about having been born again, since it is a matter of actual fact that demons cannot possess those who have accepted Christ as their personal savior.

Fortunately for those of us who do not wish to see Satan issuing orders from the Oval Office, our Founding Fathers made sure that Election Day always comes after Halloween. It is well-known that those who are possessed by demons may be able to subtly fool us the rest of the year, but they always come out on Halloween Night. I suggest that all loyal Bush Watchers should commit to a close examination of Bush's actions, speech difficulties, and possible disguise on October 31, so that we can verify the presence of the demon and thereby save the world from the terror of the Evil One. Count me in. --Doris in Des Moines, 9/29/00

Gore's Top 10 Rejected Slogans

10. Vote for me or I'll come to your home and explain my 191-page economic plan to you in excruciating detail.
9. Remember America, I gave you the Internet and I can take it away. Think about it.
8. Your vote automatically enters you in a drawing for the $123 billion surplus
. 7. With Lieberman on the ticket, you get all kinds of fun new days off. Vote for us, we're going to work 24/6.
6. We know when the microphone is on.
5. Vote for me and I will take whatever steps are necessary to outlaw the term, "Whazzzup."
4. Gore-Lieberman: You don't have to worry about pork-barrel politics.
3. You'll thank us in four years when the escalator to the moon is finished.
2. If I can handle Letterman, I can handle Saddam Hussein.
1. I'll be twice as cool as that president guy in the "West Wing."

The "Top 10" rejected Gore-Lieberman campaign slogans, as presented by Al Gore on "The Late Show with David Letterman" on 9/14/00


Dave Barry Gets the Lowdown from Dick Armey. "The Republicans finally ran out of minority groups, so on Thursday night they had no choice but to listen to the actual nominee, George ``W.'' Bush III Jr. IV, who gave an acceptance speech that was pretty much flawless, except for the eight times he referred to the United States as "Venezuela."...But then an amazing thing happened: An actual VIP joined us! It was Dick Armey, the majority leader of the House of Representatives. I am not making this up. I'm still not sure why Rep. Armey got up there with us; perhaps he had consumed some refreshing beverages. But he was friendly, and he stayed for quite a while, and he told us a pretty funny joke that I will not repeat here except to say that it involved a naughty interpretation of the phrase "Dick Armey." --Dave Barry

And Furthermore...Cox Reports Dick Armey's Penis Joke

"According to Mike Luckovich, the Pulitzer Prize-winning Atlanta Journal-Constitution's cartoonist, the following exchange occurred: "Are you really Dick Armey?" Barry asked. "Yes, I am Dick Armey. And if there is a dick army, Barney Frank would want to join up," Armey replied."

AP Update...Barry Says Armey/Frank Story "Blown Out of Proportion"

"House Majority Leader Dick Armey is in hot water again over a remark about openly gay Rep. Barney Frank. Armey, a Texas Republican who called Frank ''Barney Fag'' in 1995, made a joke about Frank at a party Wednesday night in Philadelphia at the Republican National Convention. The comment was made during a conversation with humorist Dave Barry and several reporters. Barry said he jokingly asked Armey: ''Are you the real Dick Armey?'' ''He said, 'Yeah, I'm afraid I am' and then he kind of obliquely referred to all the trouble he got into before, and then he made a joke about his name." ''Dick Armey is not stupid enough that he's going to get up and make a joke about minority groups in front of the press,'' Barry said. ''I'm not a fan of Dick Armey, but it's blown...out of proportion.'' Barry said Friday."

Steve Allen Interviews Sen. Philly Buster at GOP Convention

Steve Allen: Senator, I understand that you're here as a delegate-at-large.
Senator: That's right. How much longer I'll be able to remain at large we'll soon see.
S.A.: What do you think of George W. Bush's "compassionate conservatism"?
Senator: I think it's only fitting that we show our conservative friends a little more compassion.
S.A.: But do you agree with them, say, in their opposition to gun control?
Senator: Personally, I have three words for you on the subject of guns.
S.A.: And what are those words?
Senator: Stick 'em up!
S.A.: But how do you feel about world trade?
Senator: It's absurd. Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can trade a world.
S.A.: How do you feel about separation of church and state? Senator: A dirty communist idea, if I ever heard one.
S.A.: But Senator, it's in our Constitution. It was proposed by the founding fathers.
Senator: What I'd like to know--and I say this as a firm supporter of women's lib--how come we never hear about the founding mothers?
S.A.: Senator, even though the American economy is stronger than it has ever been, the happy results have certainly not "trickled down" to millions of people. Do you therefore think that we should continue the War on Poverty?
Senator: Yes, I do. In fact the War on Poverty is going very well. Last week alone, we shot more than 200 poor people.
S.A.: Sen. Buster, at one time we thought the problem of alcoholism was solved, but now it appears to be worse than ever. Do you have any idea how many drunks there are in our country?
Senator: The statistics are staggering.
S.A.: You know, I've heard talk on the convention floor that the Democrats may have distorted the statistics about low unemployment. Some say that unemployment is still a problem. Do you agree?
Senator: Absolutely not. I say that all this damnable talk about unemployment is nothing but a rumor.
S.A.: But who starts these rumors?
Senator: Oh, people who are out of work, I suppose.
S.A.: Frankly, I don't really envy you politicians. Yours is such a precarious profession.
Senator: I was just making that very point to my waiter at dinner this evening--Newt Gingrich.
S.A.: Third-party candidates are complaining about being squeezed out of the election process. Do you think that Pat Buchanan really has a chance of being elected president?
Senator: I'll say this for the man--if he ever gets elected to the White House, it would sure cure your hiccups.
S.A.: Senator, how is the War on Drugs going?
Senator: Frankly, it's a colossal failure.
S.A.: Why do you say that?
Senator: Well, look at the names of some of the people on TV these days--Cokie Roberts, Stone Phillips . . .
S.A.: Despite the booming economy, there seems to be a surprising amount of labor unrest. How do you account for all the strikes?
Senator: Well, there are issues other than the truly financial. In Chicago the day before yesterday, I saw a group of workers striking for shorter hours. And I must say I agree with them.
S.A: You do?
Senator: Yes, I always did think that 60 minutes was too long for an hour.
S.A.: Some workers and picketers are becoming physically aggressive. What do you think of striking workers?
Senator: I say if the shoe fits, wear it. I personally struck three workers as I was coming out of my hotel this morning.
S.A.: And what do you think of Dick Cheney?
Senator: We old-timers fondly remember his work in horror movies.
S.A.: No, no, I'm not talking about Lon Chaney, I mean Dick. Well, Senator, I really want to thank you for coming down here to talk to us tonight.
Senator: Oh, it was nothing.
S.A.: That's true, but thank you anyway.

(c) 2000 L.A.Times


Internet comedy thieves are meeting in Kuala Lumpur this week to discuss where to obtain fresh material while ONION is on a one month vacation. Should ONION be on vacation? What do you think?

"I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want ONION back. Have you seen that shit? It's nasty."

Benjamin Clark, Architect



You might recall that last year at about this time Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush was claiming that Baby Boomers didn't like me. My brother, Jerry Politex, complained about it at the time. To his credit, Bush stopped talking about me and this Baby Boomers lady, but just today I noticed a report in the newspaper about Mr. Bush and Ms. Boomers. Someone said that under Bush's Social Security plan Baby Boomers might just have to work forever, and it would serve her right.

Not having met Ms. Boomers, I can't comment on that opinion one way of the other. But I will say this, and you can quote me on it:. (Note: For your convenience, quotation marks have been furnished.): "I'm getting really tired of the rest of you people throwing darts at us just because we got to stay in college until we were 32. Life wasn't a bed of roses back in the 60's. We were always trapped between boring young men who kept talking about what they would do to end the war as sophomore class president, and fraternity guys who'd laugh when somebody threw up on your shoes. It is no small burden to realize that we've got one of each running for president." --NYT, 6/20

satire alert...satire alert...satire alert...satire alert...satire alert...satire alert...satire alert...

"Don't link to Bush sites!"

Film critic Roger Elbert takes on Bush Watch founder Jerry Politex over the practice of cataloging and linking to Bush sites on the Internet

- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Alan Ladd
April 22, 2000 | Film critic Roger Elbert gave a thumbs down to online efforts to expose Bush on the Web Wednesday in a debate with the founder of Bush Watch. This Bush-monitoring site with links to various Bush sites gives Bushies a "virtual supermarket" of online Bush tools with which to further spread their political confusion, Elbert said at this week's Conference on World Affairs, an annual intellectual talkfest at the University of Colorado in Boulder. "If I were somebody looking for Bush on the Web, this would be a good place to start," Elbert said of Bush Watch.

During Wednesday's debate with Bush Watch founder Jerry Politex, Elbert said he doesn't believe political confusion directly results from either film or Internet images: "Lee Harvey Oswald didn't have a Web site," he said. Yet it is ill-advised, he argued, to provide Bush-seekers an online roadmap to Bush sites. "It's very easy to find Bush on the Web, but I don't know that we should make it any easier."

Politex countered that "anecdotal evidence" shows that thousands of people, from parents to FBI agents, use sites like Bush Watch as an educational resource. "There is no evidence that linking into a Bush site either encourages or exacerbates the political confusion of the Bushies," he told Elbert.

The snippety-yet-thoughtful feud between the two men started in October 1999 when Elbert wrote in his "Public Ear" column for MSN that the media is exaggerating the power of Bush sites. "My best guess is that Bushies on the Net are at least a thousand times less popular than porn," he wrote. "The situation is further clouded because groups opposed to Bush sites have a vested interest in exaggerating their popularity."

Politex, an Austinite who founded Bush Watch in 1998, fired back a response to what he called Elbert's "snide comment," defending sites like Bush Watch that take the tactic that Bush should be exposed, not hidden in a closet. "[His] threat is not imaginary but very real," Politex wrote in a letter to the editor of MSN. The debate continued in an e-mail exchange, which Politex provided to us.

A concerned Elbert wrote: "Why in God's name do you link to all those Bush sites? A Bushie will find no handier all-in-one source." He advised Politex that "a little soul-searching is in order. "[T]he most effective thing you could do to combat Bush on the Web would be to take down your page. Since a normal person would have no desire to visit any of these sites, who are the links being used by?"

Politex responded that Ellbert was "confusing quantity with influence" and emphasized that many Bushies, such as those at Bob Jones University, just use their sites to recruit, organize and propagandize others of their same ilk. Normal people indeed use sites such as Bush Watch, the Southern Poverty Law Center and the Anti-Defamation League to try to understand where political confusion lurks, Politex told Elbert. He said, "thousands, yes thousands" of concerned citizens use Bush Watch every day to "read in the Bushies' own words what their mindset is, what they believe and perhaps what they wish to accomplish."

During Wednesday's debate, Elbert was openly skeptical, saying that it was impossible to determine any Internet user's true motives. He said his own tour of Bush Watch linked him to Bush sites and even streaming video of women being schmoozed by the candidate. Visitors who don't have the software, but want to see the video can download the player right on the site, he added. "[Bush Watch] is extremely well designed," Elbert told the audience. "I hope Politex is right that it doesn't promote these sites."

satire alert...satire alert...satire alert...satire alert...satire alert...satire alert...satire alert...


For those readers who feel things sometimes get out of hand here at Bush Watch, consider Jonah Goldberg, the online honcho of the prestigious, conservative National Review, who edits the net version of the mag and contributes a Goldberg Files column.He appears to have gotten Bill Buckley's readers turning over in their grave demeanors..."Thereís a growing rift among G-File readers. On the one side are those who want deliberate, thoughtful, archly conservative essays, brimming with Chesterton quotes. Thereís another side that wants more fart jokes. Okay thatís not quite fair. Both sides like having a good time (Toga! Toga!), but some think the relentless pop-culture and porn jokes ("Iím here to fix the cable, maíam") detract from the overall gestalt (a German word meaning, "Hey Frenchie! More wine!"). I donít want to sound too Clintonian here but Iím trying to make everybody happy. So, if sometimes you canít hear the hi-falutiní strains over the porn soundtrack (bowmp bowmp dank ditty dank dank) I apologize. And, if all the pull-my-finger jokes distract you from my exploration of Burkeís letter to the Elders of Bristol, Iím sorry too. All I can say in my defense is that nobody pays me to be good, they just pay me to be me."


DES MOINES, IA : We've learned that Texas Governor George W. Bush has retracted his apology to Catholic Cardinal O'Connor after a meeting yesterday with gay Republicans. "I don't know what I was thinking," Bush said.

Bush sent a letter of apology to Cardinal O'Connor in February following his much-criticized visit to Bob Jones University, a fundamentalist Protestant college which has posted anti-Catholic remarks on its website.

According to a participant in today's meeting, who wished to remain anonymous, Bush apologized to the gay group for failing to apologize to gays in February. Not only does Bob Jones University engage in hate speech against gays, Bush acknowledged, but it also expels gay students and bans gay alumni from the campus. "I guess I just sent a letter to the wrong drag queen," Bush said, apparently in reference to the cassock, stole, and bright red hat worn by the Cardinal.

Campaign spokesman Ari Fleischer immediately clarified the Governor's comments. "Mr. Bush would not correspond with an openly gay Cardinal, although he does sometimes make mistakes by not paying enough attention to what kind of clothes people wear."

In a related incident, Bush campaign advisor Ralph Reed has clarified his remarks earlier this week regarding his acceptance of a lobbying contract with Microsoft.

"I think my remarks were taken out of context," said Reed at a press conference at Bob Jones University. "The Old Testament clearly authorizes lobbying as an honorable practice. You need only look at the story of Solomon and the infant."

Reed went on to note that while lobbying for billionaire businesses is consistent with his religious belief, disclosing his lobbying contracts to the Bush campaign would have been morally wrong. "Let not the left hand know what the right hand is doing," said Reed.

Reed's media advisor was not immediately available for comment.

Note. If I have said or done anything that in any way could be construed as bigotry against our Brethren or Sistren who believe that their religious commitments are relevant in a discussion of other people's freedoms, I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart, I don't give a fig leaf. It's Apology Week, and I'm going for the gold.

--Doris of the Sackcloth and Ashes, 4/14/00


"Bush is gone so much that his presidential campaign staff sends out media advisories when he's in his office working as your governor, like it's a rare event similar to spotting an endangered songbird." --John Kelso 4/8/00

"George W. Bush said that he will leave the census form blank...hmmmm... a blank census form, and an adult literacy program. ....sounds like a cry for help to me" --President Clinton, 4/6/00

On March 24, at the Washington Hilton and Towers, the Christian Coalition will host Pat Robertson's 70th birthday party. Which of the following are actual events at the $100-a-person affair?

1. Swat-the-Jew Human PiŮata
2. John McCain Piranha Dunk Tank
3. Pin the Tail on the Pope Then Kick His Infidel Ass Straight to Hell
4. Singing of "Happy Birthday" by Entirely StraightóNo, ReallyóBare-Chested Male Chorus
5. Giant Bonfire at Women's Health Center (ask for your complimentary gas can)
6. Rushdie Hunt, in Sympathy With Our Taliban Bretheren
7. Crowning of "Miss/Mr. Old, Rugged, Cross"
8. Reunion Barbecue: Hookers Who've Serviced an Evangelical (reservations recommended; seating limited to first 10,000)
9. Post-the-Ten-Commandments-on-Strom-Thurmond's-(Or-Your-Own-)Ass Tattoo Parlor
10. Formal Declaration That for Today Only, "Life Begins With Consumption of a Quart of Malt Liquor and a Couple of Slim Jims"

None is an official event, but once these fundamentalists get rolling, who knows? For more information on the actual party or to reserve your spot, call (800) 325-4746. --Randy Cohen, Slate, 3/2/00


PolitexAl Gore wants more stringent gun control laws. What's your answer to him, governor?

Bush "Guns don't kill people; guns are designed and manufactured for the purpose of enabling people to use the guns to kill people."

Politex Governor Bush, what's your opinion of negative advertising?

Bush ""If you ask me, these cheap, mudslinging ads drag the political process down to a level so juvenile and debased, I can actually understand it. Ha-ha."

Politex Sir, what should be done about the problems in Chechnya?

Bush "The U.S. should waste no time in condemning General Mashimkov's brutal occupation of the city of Plovsk in the Chechen province of Azgakasban. Okay, I made that up."

Politex Mr. Bush, with perscription-drug prices higher in the United States than elsewhere, what would you do as President to correct this disparity?

Bush "I think what's getting lost in this whole debate is this: Taking drugs is wrong."

Politex Sir, a judge in Texas recently banned prayer before football games. What's your position on this?

Bush "I think it's fine, as long as it's Christian prayers. Anything else is un-American."

Bush Governor, in Texas there are full-time wage earners who are homeless. How will your compassionate conservative programs help them?

Bush "Thank God we've finally stopped looking at the causes of this terrible social problem and started focusing on the symptoms."

Politex And about the little Cuban kid? What would you do?

Bush ""We can't let this child come under the sway of an isolationist, tyrannical state led by a self-obsessed sociopath. By all means, send him back to Cuba."

--Bush answers from Onion




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