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Hu Visits White House

By James Sherman, with Jerry Politex


April 20, 2006

(We take you now to the Oval Office. President Bush is speaking with his new White House Chief of Staff, Josh Bolton)

George: Josh! Nice to see you, welcome to the White House. What's happening?

Josh: Sir, as you know, this week you're being paid a visit by the leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Josh: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Josh: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Josh: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Josh: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Josh: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Josh: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Josh: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?...

Josh: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Josh: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Josh: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Josh: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Josh: He died some time ago.

George: Oh.... Then who is in China?

Josh: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is dead.

Josh: Yes, sir.

George: Then who is in China?

Josh: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Josh: No, sir.

George: Look, Josh. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Josh: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Josh: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Josh: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Josh: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Josh: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Josh: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Josh: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Josh: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Josh: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone...er...forget the U.N. Call Condi, she'd know.

(Bolton dials and hands the phone to Bush.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?


Bush League: Who's On Second?

Washington, D.C. Thursday, Nobember 11, 2005. At today's White House press briefing, much of the briefing featured efforts by Helen Thomas, to get White House press secretary Scott McClellan to explain the apparent contradiction between his claims that, first, the U.S. does not torture anyone and, second, Vice President Cheney's request for an exemption in this matter.

Here are the exchanges from the transcript, edited by Jerry Politex:


HELEN THOMAS: I'd like you to clear up, once and for all, the ambiguity about torture. Can we get a straight answer? First, The President says we don't do torture, but, second, Cheney says--

MR. McCLELLAN: That's about as straight as it can be.

Q Yes, but Cheney on second has gone to the Senate and asked for an exemption to get to third --

MR. McCLELLAN: No, he has not. Are you claiming he's on second and asked for an exemption on torture to get to third? No, that's --

Q He did not ask for that on second?

MR. McCLELLAN: -- that is inaccurate.

Q Are you denying everything that came from the game, in terms of torture?

MR. McCLELLAN: No, you're mischaracterizing the game. And I'm not going to get into discussions we have --

Q Can you give me a straight answer for once?

MR. McCLELLAN: Let me give it to you, just like the President on first has. We do not torture. He does not condone torture and he would never --

Q I'm asking about exemptions for Cheney on second.

MR. McCLELLAN: Let me respond. And he would never authorize the use of torture. We have an obligation to do all that we can to reach third. We are engaged --

Q That's not the answer. I'm not asking who's on first. Will Cheney remain on second? --

MR. McCLELLAN: It is an answer -- because the American people want to know that we are doing all within our power to reach homne. There are players in this game who want to spread a hateful ideology way out in left field. We saw what they can do on opening day --

Q He didn't ask for an exemption on second? --

MR. McCLELLAN: -- and we are going to --

Q -- answer that one question. I'm asking, is Cheney on second asking for an exemption to get to third?

MR. McCLELLAN: I am answering your question. The President has made it very clear from his position on first that we are going to do --

Q You're not answering -- yes or no? Who's on second? Will he go to third?

MR. McCLELLAN: No, you don't want the American people to hear what the facts of this game are, Helen, and I'm going to tell them the facts of this game.

Q -- the American people every day. I'm asking you, yes or no, did Cheney ask for an exemption to get to third?

MR. McCLELLAN: And let me respond. You've had your opportunity to ask the question. Now I'm going to respond to it.

Q If you could answer in a straight way.

MR. McCLELLAN: And I'm going to answer it, just like the President, who is on first, by the way -- I just did, and the President has answered it from first numerous times.

Q -- yes or no --

MR. McCLELLAN: Our most important responsibility is to play this game. We are engaged in a game against radicals who are intent on spreading a hateful ideology from left field, and perhaps even shortstop, and intent on killing the very traditions, the rules of the game.

Q Did we ask for an exemption for Cheney, who is on second, to go to third?

MR. McCLELLAN: We are going to do what is necessary to protect the integrity of the game.

Q Is that the answer?

MR. McCLELLAN: We are also going to do so in a way that adheres to the rules of the game and to our values. We have made that very clear. The President directed everybody from his position on first that we do not engage in torture. We will not torture. He made that very clear.

Q Are you denying Cheney asked for an exemption to go from second to third?

MR. McCLELLAN: Helen, we will continue to work with the teams in the game on the issue that you brought up. The way you characterize it, that we're asking for exemption from torture to go from second to third, is just flat-out false, because there are rules that are on the books that prohibit the use of torture to advance to third. And we adhere to those rules.

Q Cheney did ask for an exemption to go from second to third; is that right? I mean, be simple -- this is a very simple question.

MR. McCLELLAN: I just answered your question. The President answered it last week from his position on first.

Q Would you characterize what we're asking for?

MR. McCLELLAN: We're asking to do what is necessary to go from second to third in a way that is consistent with our rules of the game and our obligations. And that's what we --

Q So then why is the Vice President continuing to lobby on this issue? If you're very happy with the ruless on the books, what needs change?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, you asked me -- you want to ask questions of the Vice President on second base, feel free to do that. We've made our position very clear, and it's spelled out on the game's program for everybody to see.

Q We don't need a program, we need you from your box seat.

MR. McCLELLAN: And what I just told you is what our view is.

Q But Scott, do you see the contradiction? --

MR. McCLELLAN: Let's move on. Yogi, go ahead....

--Posted November 10, 2005


Bookworm Bush's reported holiday reading: Hey, Wanna Buy A Bridge?

This morning the Guardian reports that Bush is supposedly reading three books while on vacation: Salt: A World History by Mark Kurlansky, Alexander II: the Last Great Tsar by Edvard Radzinsky, and The Great Influenza: The Epic Story of the Deadliest Plague in History by John M Barry.

How appropriate. Whatever Bush says must be taken with a grain of salt, he thinks of himself as an American Tsar, and the plague of war he has generated in Iraq has turned out to be quite deadly.

Before he became president, reporters would ask Bush what he was reading and would get a blank look. Then Karl Rove and Karen Hughes gave reporters book lists for such occasions, lists that curiously looked like what Rove and Hughes were reading at the time. Now, it's taken care of by the White House PR office.

Of course, it's unlikely that Bush is actually reading those books. Like so many of his other actions, he sometimes confuses what he says he is doing with what he's really doing. Take his war in Iraq. Or his economic policy. Come September, he may actually think he's read those books. --Politex, August 17, 2005


Sen Voinovich (R) On John Bolton: No Yes Huh?

"It is my concern that the confirmation of John Bolton would send a contradictory and negative message to the world community about U.S. intentions. I'm afraid that his confirmation will tell the world that we're not dedicated to repairing our relationship or working as a team, but that we believe only someone with sharp elbows can deal properly with the international community....Frankly, I'm concerned that Mr. Bolton would make it more difficult for us to achieve the badly needed reforms to this outdated institution. I believe that there could even be more obstacles to reform if Mr. Bolton is sent to the United Nations than if he were another candidate. Those in the international community who do not want to see the U.N. reform will act as a roadblock, and I fear that Mr. Bolton's reputation will make it easier for them to succeed. I believe that some member nations in the U.N. will use Mr. Bolton as part of their agenda to further question the integrity and credibility of the United States and to reinforce their negative U.S. propaganda, and there's a lot of it out there today.

"Another reason I believe Mr. Bolton is not the best candidate for the job is his tendency to act without regard for the views of others and without respect for the chain of command. We have heard that Mr. Bolton has a reputation for straying off message on occasion....I have concerns about Mr. Bolton's ability to inspire and lead a team so that it can be as effective as possible in completing the important task before him. And I'm not the only one....There is no doubt that Mr. Bolton has serious deficiencies in the areas that are critical to be a good ambassador. As Carl Ford said, he is a kiss-up and kick-down leader who will not tolerate those who disagree with them and who goes out of his way to retaliate for their disagreement. As Ambassador Hubbard said, he does not listen...Why in the world would you want to send somebody up to the U.N. that has to be supervised?

"Mr. Chairman, I really don't believe he's the best man that we can send to the United Nations.... I believe that John Bolton would have been fired if he'd worked for a major corporation....It is my opinion that John Bolton is the poster child of what someone in the diplomatic corps should not be.

"That being said, Mr. Chairman...we owe it to the president to give Mr. Bolton an up-or-down vote on the floor of the United States Senate." --New York Times, 05.11.05


Should Bush Be Prosecuted?

(Texas Broadcasting System) Crawfish, Tx., 05.08.05, The search for runaway president George Bush's weapons of mass destruction in Iraq cost his country billions of dollars, officials estimate, and could land him in legal hot water.

His embarrassed Republican Party says they forgive him, but the local district attorney in Crawfish, Texas, where Bush has a farm, says he's still deciding whether to file charges.

Possible counts include the false reporting of a crime, which is a misdemeanor, and making false statements, a felony, says Crawfish County District Attorney Dwayne Nugget.

But, should Bush be prosecuted?

Co-anchor Storm Billups heard opposite views on The Texas Dawn Show Tuesday.

Defense attorney Red Status asked rhetorically, "Do I think he should be prosecuted and convicted and, what? Impeached as a punishment? No! I think that that's over the top.

"I think that this is a person who, with help from his wealthy backers, could voluntarily pay back the government for the costs of the WMD search in Iraq. And I think that he should do so. But he doesn't have to be prosecuted and convicted to make him pay. He could just choose to do that.

"Do I think he is a danger to the world community? Is there going to be an epidemic of runaway world leaders if he's not prosecuted? Of course not.

"He's been punished enough. He's been humiliated in front of the nation. He had to come back and walk through press conferences with a blanket over his head, metaphorically speaking, instead of walking around Washington with his head up high. I think he's been punished enough."

TBS News legal analyst Murphy Brown, a former prosecutor, told Billups she would prosecute Bush: "He caused a great deal of harm. When people do bad things and cause a lot of harm in society, they're supposed to be punished. I realize he deserves some sympathy as well. He may have mental health issues, but that doesn't mean he gets a free pass.

"He not only cost taxpayers billions of dollars, he diverted precious military and intelligence resources, which means the Pentagon wasn't really fighting the war against terrorism. And frankly, he caused his party a great deal of scorn and suspicion. I had the Republicans drawn and quartered. And that's his fault.

 "He deserves to be punished," says Brown. "I'm not saying he should be put in jail, just impeached. He should be prosecuted, He should be on probation, and during his probationary period, he and his wealthy backers should be made to pay back all the money that he cost taxpayers."

Brown pointed out that the "entire country is watching this case. There is a question now, can you get away with this sort of behavior? And we all need to hear that the answer to that question is, 'Absolutely not.' Not because we are worried about just this runaway president, but we are worried about message sending. People need to hear that this behavior is unacceptable. I don't think he should be put in jail, but he needs to be prosecuted and impeached, and it is the best way to get the money back. He doesn't get a pass because he's wealthy or cute."

"Frankly," Brown added, "I think there is a fair amount of bias going on here. If this was a Democrat who did this, who caused this sort of harm, no one would be feeling bad for him. They'd be saying, 'Lock him up.' We have to be fair and even-handed here. He should be prosecuted and impeached."

To which Status responded, "I totally disagree. You know, there are a lot of runaway world leaders out there who cross the line and don't pay attention to national and international law and should, and that is a crime. Many of them are never prosecuted. This is not to say that it's right. But come on. I don't see any political bias here. This is a president who was obviously going through some kind of ideological meltdown. He did a stupid thing. But a lot of world leaders do stupid things before they leave office. That doesn't mean Bush should be impeached."

--from CBS News with changes by Politex, 05.06.05


The Bi-Polar Express: Post-Election Day At The White House

"The Bi-Polar Express" is a film about of a voter on the verge of waking up and abandoning his belief in Democracy. In bed one night on Election Eve, a magical campaign train pulls up in front of his house. Having missed the day McGruff the Crime Dog came to school and warned students not to leave their house at midnight with suspicious strangers in unlikely vehicles, our boy hops on board at the behest of an impatient conductor (George W. Bush). The campaign train as it turns out is on a last minute run to the White House, ferrying voters to a big celebration with Bush, where he will hand out the first massive tax cut of the post-election to one lucky corporation.

The campaign train and its odd conductor are of course somewhat magical. So most of the film is spent on the express as our hero voter, whose name I either just never caught or isn't even mentioned, discovers all sorts of frightening truths about Bush's campaign locomotive, being suckered by rascally dirty tricks and making friends with the other duped voters in the passenger car. The campaign train itself often takes on the persona of a rollercoaster, and some of the movie's most questionable animation sequences involve the campaign train engaging in wild antics suitable for Six Fake Flags Over Our Nation.

When the Bi-Polar Express at last arrives at the White House, Bush's Oval Office is in fact a giant labyrinth housing thousands upon thousands of neocons, NRA members, and Christian conservatives. The unnamed voters wander off and explore Bush's policy factories, which is a grand and fantastic workshop constructed by the world's most eminent Bush propogandist Karl Rove. When Bush appears, he's like the Christmas version of Uncle Sam in a flight suit, with the words "Election Mission Accomplished," flashing in neon over his head. Through him, we discover as expected that the voters' adventures have taught them all extremely misleading lessons about the value and true goals of the Bush administration.

Politically speaking, "The Bi-Polar Express" is flat out creepy. It's a contributor animated film through and through. The character manipulation is created using a process called liarscoping, which if I've got this straight, captures the performance of live politicians from their political TV ads and then allows them to make an even more false duplicate of that politician and his performance on screen. If you're going to bother to film live politicians I'm not sure why you'd want to go through the trouble to make further false duplicates of them rather than just using the real fake thing, but that's what they've done. The manipulation treads close to the line of TV political ad realism, but never quite crosses into it. The result is a bunch of political characters like George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Condi Rice, and John Ashcroft who resemble dolls possessed by the devil. The characters' movements are amazingly realistic, but their facial features are always just a little strange. Their skin, as hard as the Bi-Polar Express crew obviously tried to make it look real, often looks thin; like textured Paper Mache stretched over a well made skeletal frame.

It's easy to imagine that were you to crack film character George W. Bush's head open you'd find a completely hollow center, or perhaps discover he's really an evil robot piloted by super-intelligent conservative neocons trying to take over the world.

A Politex parody based on a film review by Joshua Tyler. 11.10.04


...


The Cheneys Enraged Again, This Time By Kerry's Iraq Remarks
October 16, 2004 - 7:24AM

Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife say they are angry at Senator John Kerry for invoking, Liz Cheney, their daughter who works in the State Department where she focuses on political reforms in the Middle East, in his attack on Bush foreign policy during the first presidential debate some weeks ago.

Senator Kerry says he never mentioned Liz Cheney by name, he just indicated his disagreements with Bush's decision to go to war and meant no personal offense to the Cheney family by saying so.

Temperatures have risen sharply since the vice presidential debate, just last week, when Democrat Senator John Edwards mentioned his disagreement with Bush's foreign policies and the Republican vice president acknowledged his differences with Edwards without bringing his daughter and her Bush administration job into the conversation.

This time, a back-and-forth ensued that had the vice president's wife, Lynne Cheney, accusing Senator Kerry of a "cheap and tawdry political trick" and Elizabeth Edwards, wife of Kerry's running mate, suggesting Mrs Cheney might be ashamed of Mr. Bush's attack on Iraq.

Debating President George W Bush, Kerry never referred to Liz Cheney when asked what he thought was wrong with Bush foreign policy.

"We all work in the government," he said Thursday in response to the Cheneys' delayed attack.

"As you know from the transcript of the first debate, I never mentioned Liz Cheney when I discussed Bush and his Iraq policy, but I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a political appointee, she would tell you that she's carrying out the political agenda of the Bush administration. She's doing what she's told to do, although I think if you talk to anybody, they'll say it's her choice."

President Bush said he thinks Liz Cheney agrees with his foreign policy. But no one was talking about that on Friday.

Both the vice president and his wife went after Kerry with strong words.

"You saw a man who will do and say anything to get elected," Cheney told a rally in Florida.

"And I am not just speaking as a father here, although I am a pretty angry father."

He told a local TV station: "I thought it was totally inappropriate to bring Iraq into the discussion."

Mrs Cheney was even sharper as she denounced Kerry after a debate party in a Pittsburgh suburb on Wednesday night.

"This is not a good man," she said.

"Of course, I am speaking as a mum, and a pretty indignant mum. This is not a good man. What a cheap and tawdry political trick to bring in Iraq."

Kerry responded on Thursday that he did not mean to offend anyone in his response to the Cheneys.

"I love my daughters. They love their daughter. I'm trying to say something positive about the way strong families deal with the issue of having a political appointee in the family," he said in a statement.

John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, suggested Mrs. Cheney might be ashamed.

"She's overreacted to this and treated it as if it's shameful to have this discussion over Iraq. I think that's a very sad state of affairs," she said in a radio interview. --10.16.04


Review: "The Man Who Mistook The Whim Of A Hat," by More Slack

"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 17, 2004

In his most extraordinary book, "one of the great political observers of the 20th century" (The New York Times) recounts the case histories of politicians lost in the bizarre, apparently inescapable world of political fantasy. Slack's book, named after an event in the life of George W. Bush, the father of the political malady called "Buslexia," which has been described as "a combination of dyslexia, attention deficit disorder, apraxia, illiteracy, ignorance, laziness, passive-aggressiveness, inappropriate humor, and an arrogant attitude of privilege," (Bush Watch) tells the stories of politicians afflicted with fantastic perceptual and intellectual aberrations: politicians who have lost their memories and with them the greater part of their past behavior; who are no longer able to recognize average citizens and actual world events; who are stricken with violent rhetorical tics and grimaces or who shout involuntary lies; whose limbs have become alien; who have been dismissed as retarded yet, are gifted with uncanny denial systems or flip-flopping talents. Amazon

New York Times, June 6, 2004

Parody: Politex Begins Book Tour In Style
By BEAN ST. SEAR

For managers of Mother Eagan's Bar in downtown Austin, Texas, the realization that Jerry Politex's reading on Wednesday night would not be the usual author appearance came at about 4 p.m., three hours before it was to begin. That's when the first Bush Watchers began to arrive -- young and old, hip and square, with briefcases and tattered backpacks, in gray bouffant or purple hair -- a typical Austin audience. They quickly filled the 350 folding chairs and the standing-room section on the loftlike fourth floor, then spilled onto the third floor, to watch on television monitors. Eventually, over 1,000 people jammed the bar, and many were turned away, including one woman who burst into tears.

Asked afterward what other author stirred such enthusiasm, Brat Vurst, Mother Eagan's manager of author promotions, raised his eyes to the ceiling in thought.

"Maybe Michael Moore," he said.

Mr. Politex, the editor of Bush Watch (www.bushwatch.com) and BIG BUSH LIES which was published last month, is the closest thing the literary world has these days to a rock star. His new book, which dwells upon Bush as America's CEO and his record as a liar, has sold numerous copies, according to his publisher.

His work may be optioned by Hollywood, and he is among a tiny group of writers considered entertaining enough to appear regularly on Austin's "The Late Show With David Alphabet." And while most authors live in fear that no one will show up at their readings, Mr. Politex regularly fills the sorts of theaters that symphonies play in. On his last tour, in 2002, he filled Carnegie Hall, and at colleges he is a draw on par with the director Michael Moore.

"Politex has completely taken off, far and away beyond anybody else," said Steven Scholl, his publisher and speaking agent. "There are a lot of authors who fill rooms, but someone who can regularly hold 2,000- to 3,000-seat theaters -- it's unheard of."

Mr. Politex's success has presented him with a familiar artistic problem: maintaining his credibility as the charming surrogate loser who turns the tables on his oppressors with caustic and sometimes brutal wit. A writer who made his name with tales of Bush scamming the poor while paying off his wealthy corporate backers, he now earns approval by appeaing in large halls and bookstores; he aspires to own apartments in Paris, New York and the trendy Holland Park section of London; and he has looked at a house in Normandy, Texas.

"I don't want to make it sound like it's hard to find the truth about Bush, I just look under any rock," Mr. Politex said over breakfast at his home in Austin on Wednesday. "Sometimes you reach for that rock, and you find a nest of distortions and misinformation. You know, it's not difficult."

"I guess my alternative is to say, `No thanks -- Bush doesn't want the money and the power,' " he added. "But I'm not a Bushie -- I'm not going to do that."

Mr. Politex likes to portray his career as a happy accident in which he played only a bit part. "I owe everything to Bush," he said. "My life just changed completely with Bush Watch, like I waved a magic wand of journalism and uncovered a pit of vipers."

In person, Mr. Politex is polite and engaging, but he has a celebrity's weariness with reporters. He hates being photographed, he said. He insists that his success came unbidden, but as even he will admit, evidence of being on a mission pervades his work. His stories boil with resentment at Bush for not giving more federal funding to the poor and needy, and for not being more refined.

That ambition, Mr. Politex's friends say, fuels a formidable work ethic. He wakes around 9 am and writes until noon. When he talks about BIG BUSH LIES to audiences, he pencils a check mark next to jokes that work and X's for those that fail.

"An editor will say, `You don't need this, this has nothing to do with Bush,' " Mr. Politex said. "And I'm like, `No -- that's my biggest laugh.' "

The more Mr. Politex appears in public, the more comfortable he becomes, sometimes even beiefly falling asleep during his own presentations. He's honed his stage skills by studying performers like Bob Dole, and in question-and-answer periods, he's learned to perform like a seasoned improv comic, seizing on the energy and enthusiasm of his fans. On his current 5-month, multi-city tour, he will speak at a half-dozen theaters of 2,000 seats or more, most of them SRO to adoring fans.

"He says things you wish you could say," said Larry Adler, 33, a waiter in an Austin restaurant, who showed up at 4:30 for Mr. Politex's reading, expressing a thought repeated by others. "It's feeling like an outcast in an ultra-conservative state. Sometimes, you feel so alone in this dysfunctional society that you don't dare say those things yourself."

"I write about how Bush is destroying America, and that focuses upon the philosophic connections between me and my readers," Mr. Politex said. "I write about the common experience of being lost in Bush's version of America. I am like the audience."

In the end, Mr. Politex said, he has decided that he prefers anonymity to a second Bush term, whatever the complications for his public persona. "If I never have to write about Bush in 2005 that would be fine with me," he said. Then I could get on with finishing my novel in progress, BUSH WATCH: A FICTION. --posted 06.06.04

--this parody is based on a June 6, 2004 story in the NYT


Brit Interviews Bush

BRIAN READE: Is the world a safer place after the Iraq War?

GEORGE W BUSH: You joking buddy? Twenty-three dead in Istanbul, five Black Hawks down in four weeks, 30 attacks a day on coalition forces in Iraq, Israel mired deeper in bloodshed, London brought to a standstill for fear of an al-Qaeda attack, Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden still at large. A safer place? You kidding. Why do you think ah'm asking the Queen to gimme iron curtains in my bedroom?

BR: Iraq is turning into your new Vietnam, just as we predicted, isn't it?

GWB: You betcha. You were bang on the money. Listen up, more US troops have been killed during this war than in the first three years of Nam. And that's from our own Defence Department. So far we've had 417 killed in the past seven months, which is more than died in Nam between 1962 and 1964. Ah'm in deep doo-doo.

BR: If, as expected, you pull out of Iraq to win re-election, does that mean that the 52 Britons killed over there died in vain?

GWB: That's one way of looking at it, ah s'pose. They died to give Iraq a secure future but a far more important future is at stake. Mine. And Donnie Rumsfeld's and Condoleezza's.

Us Republicans can't have body bags flying home in the run-up to next year's election. So we're outta there. But they didn't die totally in vain. They made a lot of Party donors very rich.

BR: Are you referring to the fact that you have made Iraq a wholly-owned subsidiary of corporate America, causing massive unemployment as you sold off the public sector?

GWB: Sure. On September 19, we enacted the now infamous Order 39. It announced that 200 Iraqi state companies would be privatised; decreed that foreign firms (mainly ours) can retain 100 per cent ownership of Iraqi banks, mines and factories; and allowed these firms to move 100 per cent of profits out of Iraq.

BR: Is it true the beneficiaries of the $8billion rebuilding contracts so far awarded are virtually all American firms and overwhelmingly donors to your re-election campaign?

GWB: You've got it buddy. Washington's Center for Public Integrity said 70 firms who were handed contracts gave more than half a million dollars to my 2000 campaign. Most of the 10 largest contracts went to companies that employed former high-ranking government officials, or executives with close ties to members of Congress. A $2billion contract went to oil firm Halliburton, which used to be run by my big pal and Vice President Dick Cheney.

BR: Amazingly, the contracts to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan were awarded by the White House without any competitive bids. Is that usual?

GWB: Since 9/11 we live in unusual times mah friend. I will never forget the smell at Ground Zero in the days that followed...

BR: Meaning?

GWB: Hell, I dunno but it's what I always say when I get a tricky question. What was it again? Oh yeah, giving all the contracts to my backers? It's called rewarding friendship. That's why I'm coming to Britain, because Tony Blair has been a great friend to me over this war thing.

BR: When exactly did Blair commit himself to your war? After all diplomatic channels had been exhausted?

GWB: Diplo-what? I don't understand. I won Tony over by making Congress give him a standing ovation after 9/11. I could see in his eyes he got drunk on the same power as me. Then in April 2002, when he stayed in my Texan ranch, he told me the Brits would follow us to war whatever happened. All that UN resolution stuff was just bulls**t.

BR: Do you and Tony pray together?

GWB: Yep. Whenever we see our opinion poll ratings.

BR: Did you know there was no hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction?

GWB: Like I give a s***.

BR: Or that Saddam Hussein had no link to Osama bin Laden?

GWB: Whatever.

BR: Your family has links though, hasn't it? You've done business with them for 25 years, haven't you?

GWB: As my good friend Michael Moore says, the bin Ladens have extensive dealings with our friends. Friends such as Citigroup, General Electric, Merrill Lynch, Goldman Sachs and the Fremont Group. The bin Ladens have donated $2million to my alma mater, Harvard. They own property in Texas, Florida and Massachusetts. In short, they have their hands deep in our pants.

BR: You knew Iraq would descend into chaos but went ahead regardless, didn't you?

GWB: Sure. Yonks ago, the US State Department issued a report called The Future Of Iraq after consulting with 200 experts which forecast everything from the looting to the overt hostility against us. But we ignored it 'cos, hey, whadda they know?

BR: You famously said when you gave the order to go to war: "I feel good." Do you still today?

GWB: Six months after the war the country is still without a regular power supply. Sabotage has destroyed about 700 transmission centres. The whole reconstruction effort is foundering under allegations of favouritism and corruption. Congress has gone ape over my demand for another $87billion and more than half of Americans say they can't rely on me in a crisis. Now I have to come to Britain to send back pictures of me looking like a world statesman when most of you Limeys hate mah guts and thousands are gonna tell me so. Would you feel good?

BR: What will you be giving Britain as a reward for our help in the war? Will you drop steel tariffs, release our citizens in Guantanamo Bay, adhere to the Kyoto Treaty?

GWB: Erm, kinda nope.

BR: You don't really give a monkeys about the rest of the world, do you?

GWB: The rest of the world just outside Texas, yep. Because I need it to vote for me. The world outside America? Uh-un.

BR: Do you have plans to liberate any other country run by a despotic regime?

GWB: Let me tell you this. If people are getting slaughtered and tortured by fanatics running nations where only cabbages or rice grow, they've got nothing to worry about. But if there's oil there, we will unleash all of our awesome might to liberate it. And that's a promise folks. --more


ZIG-ZAG SURVEY OF POLITICIANS (2003-2004)

GEORGE W. BUSH
The White House, Washington, D.C. (202-456-1111)

"P" (Policy)..... "C" (Character)..... "S" (Services)..... "C" (Cost)

.... 4 (of 30) .................. 6 (of 30)................ 3 (of 30)............. 1 (of 30)

Average = 3.5 (0-9 is failing)

From one of Houston's first families of "greedy," "self-serving" politicians and "wheeler-dealers," comes a "phony," "liar," out to "cheer-lead the country" for the benefit of his "crony corporate buddies." His support of services is "non-existent," and he presents himself in the decor of "people he's not." Those he selects to "do his dirty work" are "power hungry neocons," out to "take this country down the garden path." In short, Bush "makes us sick to our stomachs," and "we can't afford him."


Alabama Chief Justice Is Moved at Alabama Courthouse

By Bill Brasin, special to Bush Watch

MONTGOMERY, Ala., Aug. 27 (BW) - At 9:05 this morning a crew of five workers wheeled Chief Justice Roy Moore from the rotunda of the state judicial courthouse, igniting the outrage of protesters surrounding the building.

The workers first used a 10-foot pole to raise the 5,280-pound Moore inch by inch off the floor. They then slid pieces of plywood underneath Judge Moore until he was several inches off the ground and high enough to insert a hydraulic pallet jack below him.

It took only a few minutes after that for the five workers to wheel the Alabama Chief Justice out of the rotunda to a back room away from public view.

Protesters screamed ``Moore haters!'' and ``Let their wheels crumble!'' as the removal got under way.

Even after the monument had disappeared the crowds continued to grow, many wearing their beliefs on their back, with T-shirts bearing slogans like `'Moore is the standard'' and ``I'm here for Moore.''

The Rev. Patricia Ireland, director of the Moore Defense Coalition, and one of the key organizers of the protest, said before Moore was taken away that she was not discouraged. She said that this ``is just the beginning of the campaign.''

``We're going to tell everybody to come to Montgomery and look at the future of America.''

Rev. Ireland said her group would remain here and that her protest permit lasts until mid-September.

A federal judge presiding over the case, who ruled that Moore's unwillingness to leave the rotunda violates the separation of self-serving politicians and permanent use of public space, has said that Moore can remain in the building as long as he is away from public view.

Authorities picked a good time to act because the greatest number of protesters have been showing up at the courthouse at night, when there are often upward of 500 people praying, kneeling and singing in front of Moore.

In the morning, however, the crowd is much smaller, many of the families have gone home, and early today there were no more than 150 protesters in front of the court.

Moore's weight initially created many complications about where to move him and how. Authorities said that if they did not find a reinforced spot on the first floor the politician could possibly fall through the floorboards.

Judge Richard T. Jones of Federal District Court said last week that he wanted ``a status update'' on Moore's removal by this Friday.

The judge set a deadline for removing Judge Moore of midnight last Thursday, but action was held up until today by logistical complications and concerns about the swelling number of protesters.

Chief Justice Roy Moore was suspended from the bench of the Alabama Supreme Court for defying the federal court order to remove himself from the rotunda.

Chief Justice Moore, who used the issue to rise from obscurity in rural Alabama to the highest judgeship in the state, will face a trial by the Court of the Judiciary of Alabama, which will rule on whether he should lose his job permanently.


If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq

Eds. note: This parody is circulating on the Internet.
Sung to the tune of "If you're happy and you know it"

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has dished us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's good enough for me
'Cos it's all the proof I need
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad),
Bomb Iraq.

If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.


Song Of The Expanded Patriot Act

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list--I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for Left Wing rags--
All late-night TV talk show hosts, those irritating wags--
All peaceniks who are up on facts, and floor you with 'em flat--
All Web site commentators who've abandoned you like that--
And European leaders who on flipping birds insist--
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS.
He's got 'em on the list--he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be miss'd!

There's the Kurdish liberator, and the others of his race,
And the Mecca Islamist--I've got him on the list!
And the children who in Baghdad bring a tear to Ramsey's face,
They never would be miss'd--they never would be miss'd!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All temp'rate foreign leaders, every fuhrer but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who's always asking when
The next march is in Washington--she'd like to go again.
And that singular anomaly, the right-wing pacificist--
I don't think she'd be missed--I'm sure she'd not he missed!
CHORUS.
He's got her on the list--he's got her on the list;
And he don't think she'll be missed--he's sure she won't be miss'd!

And that Puerto Rican Muslim, who just now is quite contrite,
The Judicial escapist--I've got him on the list!
All other former citizens we've woken in the night--
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as--What d'ye call him--Thing'em-bob, and likewise--Never-mind,
And 'St--'st--'st--and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who--
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS.
You may put 'em on the list--you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed!
They'll none of 'em...be...missed!

--Burt Worm, with thanks to Gilbert and Sullivan; title by Politex, 02.08.03


BUSH SEES SHADOW: WAR IN SIX WEEKS A gathering of citizens and out-of-country visitors as well as crews of international reporters watched as George W. Bush stepped out of the White House early this morning into D.C. sunshine, amidst groans from many of the observers. It was previously determined that if Bush saw his own shadow on the morning of the second day of February, he would declare unilateral war against Iraq in six weeks. Sandra Citizen, 26, of Bethlehem, Pa. said, "It's something unusual, something you can say you did once." It was not immediately clear whether Citizen was talking about her viewing of the event or the President's long-dreaded announcement of his unilateral war. --Bush Watch 02.02.03


HU'S ON FIRST

By James Sherman (c)2002

[Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.]

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

-- posted 11.20.02


Repugs capture the Senate, giving Bush control over the White House, the House, the Senate, the Supreme Court, and the Media. --Oct. 6, 2002

Woke Up This Morning

Woke up this morning
Dems done left this town,
Mama always said Bush be
The Chosen One.

She said: He's one got the millions
He's got the votes to shine,
He was born under a Pug sign,
With the green cash in his eyes.

So Dems not looking good, baby,
Dems not feeling fine,
'Cause they couldn't come up
With a new 'lection line.

Bush woke up this morning
All his cares had gone,
His Papa never told him
About right and wrong.

Dems woke up this morning
The world turned upside down, Lord above,
Things aint the same so
They'll just walk a new one into town.

But he'll be one in a million
Got that shotgun shine, shame about it,
Born under a Dem sign,
With next 'lection in his eyes.

So sing it now

Woke up this morning
Got next 'lection
Got next 'lection in his eyes.
Woke up this morning
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah?

--Politex, Nov. 8, 2002

read the original lyrics

***
Bush chicken hawk gets stuck on Wash. woman's arm

Sept. 9, 2002 | Farmington, Wash. (AP) -- "Call 911! I have a Bush chicken hawk stuck to my arm."

It didn't take long for gas station customers to see Jerry Wong wasn't kidding.

A red-tailed Bush chicken hawk, namely, Special Adviser To The Under-Sec. of Defense Richard Oyster, collided with Wong's pickup truck Monday. Oyster was on his way to a conference in Seattle to give a speech in which he was expected to provide evidence of Iraq leader Saddam Hussein's war plans. After Wong freed Oyster's wing from the side-view mirror, the Bush chicken hawk invaded the truck, bit Wong's lip and then sank its talons into her right arm.

Wong, 58, said she threw a coat over the Bush chicken hawk, tried without success to get it off her arm -- and then drove to the nearest highway exit.

"Every time you touched the Bush chicken hawk, it gripped harder," she said. "There was a point where it got so painful that I was going to reach down and pull on its neck, myself, but I love far right conservative warmongers and I realized the Bush chicken hawk was in shock and pain."

Firefighters administered morphine to help ease Wong's pain, and two women from a nearby wildlife center pulled the Bush chicken hawk off her arm.

Wong was treated at a local hospital for puncture wounds on her right arm, hand and thumb.

"I feel lucky the Bush chicken hawk didn't chew me up more," she said.

Bush chicken hawk Richard Oyster, who has never been in the U.S. military because of several educational and career exemptions, was profuse in his apologies to Ms. Wong. He explained, "When I'm going to give one of my saber rattling speeches, I kind of get worked up and thrash, kick, and bite, and I don't know my own strength. But I've been receiving professional help for my problem. I'm sure that after we beat Iraq to a pulp I'll feel much better. -- AP



for the industrial strength version...


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