Politex's AUSTIN PERRY INTER VIEW

"By far the best of the sites devoted to an individual candidate is Perry Watch, created to keep an eye on Austin Perry.
All the news and incisive analysis of the Lt. Gov." London (UK) Independent, Whenever, baby!

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Now that Governor George W. Bush has become President-Elect, Lt. Governor Austin Perry steps up and becomes Governor in Mr. Bush's place. How does he feel about this weighty role that has been so squarely placed upon his shoulders? What has he done to prepare for the job? Is he pleased with his contributions to the recent legislative session which became Governor Bush's launching pad into the national arena? How has his close victory over Dem John Sharp in last fall's elections helped him to prepare for being in the eyes of the electorate? Did the Governor give him any words of advice prior to leaving Texas? And finally, how does he get those little ruffley cuffs to come out of his jacket sleeves so perfectly? These and other provocative questions make up this exclusive Politex interview with the man whose Guv shagged him.

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Politex. Mr. Perry, I...may I call you Austin? "Mr. Perry" seems so formal.
Perry. Sure, we're chums. And I shall call you Poli.
Politex. Well, Austin, tell us about you and your gavel. People were puzzled to learn that, prior to the legislative session, you were sneaking into the Senate chambers of the Capitol at night to practice your gavel technique. What was up?
Perry. Poli, I just wanted to be a fab lite guv, and I had to practice presiding over the Senate, not having done it before. First, you should know that I call my gavel "Mojo." Anyway, I took Mojo in with me that first night and, believe me, it was scarey! I got my mojo working, and the first time I tried it I hit my fingers rather than that little woodie thing you're supposed to strike. Then, I pulled my mojo back and it flew off the handle. It was hard work for a couple of hours that first night to get it right. Then, the next night I had to come back with a full-length mirror to see how I looked when I struck my mojo. I wore my black half-boots and my grey Italian togs that time and I must say I looked smashing! Then I knew I was ready to face the public.
Politex. Austin, I'm sure you know that you and your mojo were quite popular, particular during the first weeks of the session when there were few bills on the floor to discuss. The word was you turned many a female eye.
Perry. Oh, behave!
Politex. But one fair lady you didn't impress was Molly Ivins. She said, "Austin Perry has not had a brilliant session. In fairness to the Lite Guv, orchestrating the 31 monster egos in the Texas Senate is no stroll in the park, and this was his first session on the job. But we are looking at a fairly flat learning curve with this one." Was Molly being fair, Austin?
Perry. I'm proud of my work with the Texas Senate, Poli, I'm Texas proud! As for my flat learning curve, that's not accidental. The dollybirds fancy a flat learning curve on a bloke, so I exercise as much as I can.
Politex. You did develop your own style with the Senate that was different from the style of your predecessor. The Austin Statesman said your "biggest personal failure" was "losing an effort to pass a school-voucher pilot program, but it was not for a lack of trying."
Perry. Yes, I'm sorry that the voucher bill became farklempt, but Dr. Doom has deep pockets and I'm sure he'll give me enough next time to make it a go.
Politex. Dr. Doom?
Perry. Oh, that's just a nickey-name for my financial benefactor without whose help I would have lost the election. He loaned me kajillion bajillions at the very last minute for mucho attack ads, and he loaned me a Little Nellie helicopter that came out of a suitcase to get me around Texas. That was just too cool and groovy! Yeah!
Politex. Talking about cool and groovy, what do you do when you're not lite governing?
Perry. Poli, I've got this shagadelic bachelor pad on South Congress across the river in the Carnaby Arms. And my pad is high enough so I can get Mexican radio on my short-wave and listen to all the fab disco hits from south of the border.
Politex. That reminds me...did they ever find out who was responsible for that controversial Mexican radio spot during the election. You remember, the anonymous one that appeared to be a racist radio spot by your Dem opponent, John Sharp, and was paid for with a check that came from the same political media outfit your campaign used in Virginia? *
Perry. Ouch, very ouch. Haven't heard a thing.
Politex. Just asking, Austin. Nothing personal. Well, did Dubya give you any advice while handing over the reins of office to you and moving on to meet his destiny?
Perry. Yes, he did. He said, "Don't screw up." Wonder what he meant by that? Peace, baby.
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* NOTE: "POR EJEMPLO JOHN SHARP." MEDIA COMPANY USED BY PERRY CAMPAIGN PAID FOR SPANISH AD THAT SLURS SHARP, BACKS LIBERTARIAN, AND DOESN'T IDENTIFY SOURCE. (See last part of HC piece. The San Antonio Express-News also reported the story.)The Mexican radio ad which claims Sharp "says that our children are not intelligent and have criminal tendencies" was beamed across the south Texas border and does not meet U.S. election guidelines. Through a spokesman, Perry says it's not his. Libertarian Garcia says it's not his: "It looks like Perry is giving up on the Laredo area and he's trying to take votes away from Sharp"(HC) Strategic Media of Virginia has not returned calls. Also,in central Texas, a Perry TV mud attack run against Sharp in Waco caused "the second time Mr. Sharp has complained of a negative ad that the Perry campaign later said was not authorized" to be released. (Also reported by DMN) 10/31

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THE TRAGADIE OF THE GEORGIES (EXCERPT)

...George I stands on the windswept porch of the royal residence-in-exile. He turns to former cabinet courtiers.: "Give us leave. The madcap Prince of Texas and I must have some private conference.

Sound of feet, EXEUNT. Angry surf pounds in the background. The king is alone with the debauched heir apparent.

King George: Come hither, son, the noble image of my youth, and let me warn you yet again. We have a noble lineage, but our aristocratic soil is most subject to weeds. And you seem overspread with them. Take heed. Fall not into the mold of that new-age Bill Falstaff who daily brings discredit on the oval throne room. Cocaine bad.

Prince W.: My dread lord, I can pass the strictest standards of your past administration and shall hereafter be more a proper Bush.

George: And you'll not slip back into Falstaffian lewdness?

W.: If all the year were playing holidays, to sport with interns would be as tedious as work. Fear not. I led a wild youth, 'tis true. But 'twas a quarter of a century past. Some of my misdeeds were exaggerated. Find pardon in my true submission.

George: I pardon you, but will the media?

W.: I'll place a stake in the ground and say no more. My new self will show up much better, in contrast to my unbridled youth. Like bright metal on a sullen ground, my reformation will glitter over my fault, and shall show more goodly and attract more votes than a candidate who hath no foil to set him off.

George: Such as?

W.: My deadly adversary, Al Hotspur, the dull duke of Gore.

George: Good, my noble son. But beware. Hot Gore's companion, the lord of misrule, Bill Falstaff, and his seedy lot will backbite. In 1994 my allies removed their stings and teeth. But the serpents have grown new fangs. Keep close watch on them.

W.: Father, I shall crush them in a landslide. Al Hotspur will not usurp my glory. Two stars keep not their motion in one sphere. And when I enter into my inheritance I shall cast out Falstaff, Gore and all their vile companions. HASTA LA VISTA, MUCHACHOS.

George: 0 my son, your words are balm to my ears. Now hark! Control your headstrong riot, your hot Bush blood. And drop the whine.

W.: I'll try, my lord. Like father, like son.

George: And yet a word. In time of domestic trouble, be it thy course to busy giddy minds with foreign quarrels. War obliterates the memory of a bad economy or arrant deeds. Recall the aspirin factory in Sudan.

W.: And the line in the Arabian sands, my royal father.

George: Ah, yes. In the winds of desert storm, how my approval ratings soared.

W.: True, you won the war, my gracious liege. Then lost the election, but passed the torch to me.

George: (Loud sigh.) How did he ever beat me? To be so pestered with a popinjay.

W.: The people flock to arrant knaves. And yet, 'tis noble kings they make their role models.

George: Revenge me, my younger self. Gore the Duke of Gore, and thus thou mightest win the more thy father's love.

W.: I shall. And those contributors who shirk from helping me shall think themselves accursed, and hold their manhoods cheap while any speak who supported me on election day.

EXEUNT. Angry voters pound sand in the background...


Alexa A. Verdamis

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